~When Christian Women Start Swearin'.....Duck!~

The other day, I went into Lowes with my mom to shop for a new washing machine. We decided to go together since my dad....well, lets just say he likes to linger in any kind of hardware store. My mom and I don't.

We walked up to the appliance department and were immediately and warmly welcomed by a sales woman. She shared her friendly greeting and then turned to me, and said,

"And what is your name?"

I smiled tentatively and hoped I wouldn't hurt her feelings as I said, "Do I have to tell you my name if I'm not buying anything?"

I heard my mom snicker, as my hopes of not hurting feelings were quickly dashed. I wish you could have been there to see the look on this sales lady's face!! She was beyond puzzled. She cocked her head one way and then the other way, trying to figure me out. Then she concluded that I must not be from here, I must be foreign, because she said,

"It's custom, its what we do....I introduce myself in a friendly manner to you, and then you respond.....where are you from?"

"Here," my mom and I said almost in unison.

My mom was trying to hold back laughter, as well as annoyance two washing machine rows away. I moved away from the lady....and she followed me down a whole row, trying to get my name, chattering all the way about how "we do things here". I'm still not sure if she meant here in America, here in Colorado, or here at Lowes. Then she decided to give me one last chance, as for the THIRD time she said,

"Hi, my name is.....I'm here to help you...." and she stuck out her hand, so I shook it and said with a genuine smile,

"Hi..."(enter her name) "It's nice to meet you." She held onto my hand and wouldn't let go as her expression was urging me to continue. I shook it again and said, "And I'm not going to tell you my name." (I had to pry my hand away)

When I told my friend that story, she said, "Why wouldn't you tell her your name?" My reply? Because I didn't have to.

And all that happened after a very long day of dealing with people, some nasty, some not. All I could say as we walked out, without buying anything I might add, was, "Oh my gosh!! Could you believe that??"

That morning, I woke up asking the Lord for happiness. I am tired of only feeling unhappy and sad. I know God is happy, so I wanted some of His. It's been no secret these past few months, I've had every reason to be unhappy. I've been fighting the emotion forever it seems. Tonight, I watched a movie that had two military funerals in it, (Flag of My Father was the movie, if you're interested, it was one of the best I've seen in a long time, especially in the "Christian" genre, and I don't usually like those) and I could hardly breathe as I watched the folding of the flag and heard and saw "TAPS" being played. I remember,in November, standing there as my father was presented the flag of my grandfather, knowing how special this moment was, and how it signified the loss of a great veteran of World War II. The emotion at my grandpa's burial site was very fresh again tonight.

So, let me tell you, grief seems to want to stay my friend for awhile. And that's ok. Grief can be my friend, as long as I can embrace the happy, too. I helped take care of that war veteran, and there is something very happy about that. Another veteran in my family died this past Spring, and his picture is above my moniter, and I just looked up and realized that yes, I have every reason to be sad. There are gigantic holes in our family that words can't express how much they are missed, despite their cantankarous ways.

On the day I asked God for happiness, He gave it to me. In full. What a blessing it was. What a treasure. Especially as in the same day, I experienced every other emotion. Anger raged inside of me as I saw and experienced a manager at a CHRISTIAN store abusing 2 store clerks, and 4 or 5 customers. Profanity built in me and exploded as soon as my feet hit the pavement after walking out. I let it loose in the car as my mom and I drove away and we both vented. Then a different kind of grief, the kind that that spills over when you realize what humanity is capable of doing, the kind that no amount of churchy cliches or neatly poised Christianity can touch, and that's when God breaks that box and cries....thru you. That's the other emotion I felt. Add to that my experience at Lowes, and that was my day. But surrounding every situation, every amount of emotion, I was happy all day long. Inexplicably happy.

And since then, I've fought to hold onto that happy. I know it's God, so I have stayed with Him. But the enemy knows the Lord set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2b) and that if he could distract me, he could lure me beyond grief, beyond sadness. I have been struggling with my feelings for the past few days, since that one good, and happy and miserable day.

Tonight, God brought to mind another story. A fictious one, but a powerful one where He taught me the basics of modern warfare. I watch "Burn Notice" on DVD. I absolutely love the show. In one of the episodes, Fiona and a rich woman get kidnapped. Fi, of course keeps her cool the whole time, even though to get the bad guys where she wants them, she acts like the snobby rich wife she looks like in the epidode. Her cover name is Charlotte. She is in a black evening gown with hair, makeup and jewelry to match the look. She is stunning. She gets the guy with the gun on her side, and he thinks they're becoming friends. She finally makes her move and she gets the drop on him. He looks at her and says, "Charlotte??" This is the part God gave me: She looks at him with vengeance and I think she hits him in some way and says, with passion, "My NAME is NOT Charlotte, BITCH!!"

In the past few days, I have felt defeated as the enemy of my God threw every trick of the book at me. Taunting me to go back to the pit. Tonight, I cried out to the Lord, and I asked Him, "What do I have to do to be free of this hold? I don't want to be sad anymore, what will it take for me to be free?" Anger boiled up inside me as the Lord heard me and answered: TAKE BACK YOUR GROUND.

My NAME is NOT defeated, BITCH!!!

Lady at Lowes, I may not tell you my name, but I will tell you what it is not.

A lady introduced herself to my mom recently as "The bitch". She said it with such pain and anguish, my mom reached out to her and said, "No you're not, why would you say that?" She replied with such beautiful honesty, "Well, I have felt like someone's personal bitch these past few months." My mom, with such grace, said, "Well, you are worth a whole lot more than that, you have such great value!!" The lady got tears in her eyes and she latched onto my mom, desperate for hope.

If you, like me, like this lady feel like you've been dragged around with no say in your life, whether mentally and emotionally, or quite literally, let me tell you in plain language: You are no one's bitch. You are a child of the King of kings. You are adored, you, my dear, have immeasureable value on your head. Look up to Him, and let Him fill you with that hope. And just see how tall you start walking. How proud, how dignified. Like royalty.

If you don't feel it yet, get mad. Start yelling out to God, ask Him to show you how to be free of your hold. He comes in an instant and He shows you the way out. Cry out!! And then follow Him. Even if it feels strange, even if it goes against your religion. If you are following Him, He will lead you everywhere He wants you to go with Him. I have to say, as strange as it sounds, as unChristian as it sounds, I never felt freer than when I was venting about the abuse and injustice I saw at the Christian bookstore. Let me tell you something, when you are speaking out against the things God is against, I'm pretty sure He doesn't care how it comes out. He might care how it comes out in the presence of others, so you'll be happy to know, I only said bad words in the car. But I made my point in the bookstore, without losing my dignity or integrity as a lady. And the point was well received.

If God wants you to grieve over the things that grieve Him, you can't help but feel it deeply. That day I asked Him for happiness, I got so much more; I got passion. Everything I felt that day I felt to the core of me.

Never, does God want His children feeling defeated. And whatever it takes, run out of that pit of defeat and start hollering for God to rescue you. He will. And He will give you the passion, the anger even, to get on the offensive and start battling the enemy.

My NAME is Chosen, and it is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.

"Who shall separate us from the Love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?......No, in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us."

Romans 8:35&37

"He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. HE WHO OVERCOMES will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son."

Revelation 21:6-7

The Lord enabled us to walk with our heads held high (Leviticus 26:13b). Let's do Him proud and walk as He intended us to. Let's overcome, and let's walk as far away from our pits that make us feel like maybe we are named "Defeated" and "Lost". We don't have to share our name, but neither do we have to walk away nameless.....we have a name, and it's in the Words God gave me when together He and I started this blog:

"The nations will see your righteousness and all kings your glory; YOU WILL BE CALLED BY A NEW NAME that the mouth of the LORD will bestow."

Isaiah 62:2