Gems in the Desert

About 2 1/2 years ago, I became free. From the time I was conceived right up until then, I’d been in spiritual and emotional bondage. In my mind’s eye, using my imagination, I can picture this person in chains. I’ll be honest, for a long time, I was comfortable in those chains of guilt and fear. I got so used to them that I forgot they were even there. But, as is so His habit, God made me stumble on all the roadblocks that kept me from living a life of freedom and I’d cry out to be set free.

I was happy, healthy, normal child and then a pretty abnormal teen as I was still happy and healthy. However, there were always those trigger points that would just make me so aware of how unfree I really was in my heart and mind. When the ladies at my church started doing the “Breaking Free” study by Beth Moore, I couldn’t go, but I bought the study anyway. What took them 10 weeks to complete took me a year and a half as one layer after another of chains was painfully removed from the wrists of my heart. (Do hearts have wrists? I don’t know, but let’s pretend that they do, ok?) Between the study, sermons, and life, God opened up my heart. And then a miracle happened: I was free, confessing sins of old and realizing that being a product of rape affected my very psyche from the time I was born and shaking off old lies that kept me “securely” in those chains.

Since then, I’ve been learning how to live as a free woman. And this morning is when it hit me, THIS IS MY DESERT!!!! Ok, so that might not be so earth-shattering to you, but it is to me. I’ve read the passages in the Bible that have talked about the desert like,

“The LORD will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11

Or

“In a desert land, He found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; He guarded him as the apple of His eye, like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions. The LORD alone led him; no foreign god was among them.” Deuteronomy 32:10-12

There’s even a verse in Hosea,

“Therefore I am going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her….” Hosea 2:14- I’ve gotta break right here and just say, “I LOVE THIS PASSAGE!!!!” If you have a Bible nearby, please read the rest of the passage, it’s awesome!!!

When God freed the Israelites from the Egyptians, He then led them into the desert. And it would seem like whenever He frees anyone, the desert is His place of healing and restoration. Maybe because a desert is the least likely place to find healing and restoration; to learn how to depend on Him, maybe we have to be stripped of everything else but Him. One of the things I love about the passage in Hosea is that in vs 17, He says He’ll remove the names of baals from her lips.

And that brings me back to my realization this morning, some would call it an epiphany. This is where I am: I am free, I am a woman who’s been delivered by God from things I never thought I’d be free of, as well as things I never knew I needed to be freed from. But He has indeed allured me to the desert. But sometimes those “desert” times are just that: hot and dry and just miserable. Like the Israelites in Exodus, part of me has wanted to go back, I remember one time in prayer, God revealed one such chain and I literally grabbed my wrist and begged Him to leave that on there. I didn’t want to deal with it. But I knew I was already freed from it, it was now my choice to begin to let God heal or stay in bondage when the lock to the chain was wide open. Believe it or not, at the time, it was a really hard choice.

I’ve pondered all these passages about the desert and how God provides and cares for His people and seen it as impossible for me. I believed it for them, but not for myself. Until today. Today, God has shown me that my desert has been blessed with His mighty hand. I’m living those passages of Scripture I’ve been pondering. While God has blessed me, He’s also disciplining me, similar to how He disciplined the first freed captives in the desert (Exodus). He’s training my heart to hear His voice, He’s training my feet to walk His path, and He’s training my mind to embrace His plans when all I can see is the hot, dry desert. He’s training me to be usable. And He’s revealing the idols I’ve worshiped and little by little, removing their influence on my life, i.e. “removing the names of baals” from my lips. He’s teaching me to love Him with an undivided heart. And He’s teaching me to believe Him.

When I look at the desert, all I see sometimes is the barren ground- the unanswered prayers, the unmet desires of me and my family and friends, the way life always seems to fall apart all at once. And sometimes it’s quiet. Too quiet. It’s deafening, it’s so quiet. I’m forever being tempted to doubt God, doubt His provision, His personal promises to me thru His word and thru hearing His voice….awhile back. The golden calf isn’t that farfetched when I drop my legalistic veil and realize I would have at least been tempted to give up my gold, too. What am I saying? I give up my gold all the time in pursuit of idols, too!! I stand with the disciples when they asked Jesus in amazement, “Then who can be saved?”

Jesus’ reply is literally timeless as He’s proved it over and over again,
“With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

My point? Thank You, Jesus, and hallelujah!!! And thank You for this desert!! If there’s anything I want, it’s an undivided heart for God.

A few years ago, I had the gall to ask my mother if she ever felt like adopting me and my brother was God’s second best. After a night of agonizing grief on her part, she woke me up the next morning (yes, I know, the irony of me sleeping that night is hysterical) by sitting on my bed and giving me her pearl/diamond ring, saying with tears in her eyes, “You are a pearl of great price and a diamond in the rough.” Then she reminded me of the story Jesus told in Matthew 13:45-46, “He went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”, as well as the story of how pearls are made: with a lot of agitation between the clam and the grain of sand. And then she told me the story of how diamonds are made: in utter darkness and with much pressure. We were just in Seattle visiting relatives and I was reminded of this when we came across earrings that were made w/ volcanic rock from Mt. St. Helens.
I know many of the people reading this are in your own era of “desert-ness”. My prayer for you is that you will become increasingly aware of God’s provision and His blessing in this dry, barren time in your life. You’re not alone, if anything, you’re more the object of God’s affection and attention right now than any other time, if that’s even possible because there’s not a time when we’re not the object of His love!!! Don’t be afraid of the desert, love. Embrace the God who led you here to train you so that when this time is over, yours will be an undivided heart that no enemy, no force can take from you the treasures you acquired in your desert. Because trust me, there is much treasure to be found, starting at the feet of the Master, Jesus Christ.
If you’re anything like me, I’ll bet you’re hoping your desert time doesn’t take 40 yrs, but however long it takes, I’ll bet you and I come out shining like precious and rare gems. That is His promise, after all.


“Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert….You gave your good Spirit to instruct them….they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.” Nehemiah 9:19a, 20a, 21b

Waiting for His Word

8 months ago today, almost to the minute as I write this, my grandpa died in my living room.

I'd known for months that what I wanted to do when I was done taking care of my grandpa because I craved it all the time: TIME in God's Word, hearing, breathing and exhaling His Word. And when I'm home and have time to study, I do just that. It's healing, it's reviving, it's wonderful.

3 months ago today, and to the very minute, I thought my other dream was coming true. I thought I'd met a prince who had swept me off my feet. While for a brief moment, it was the truth, it ended up being a lie. And today he's someone else's prince. I hope he's better to her than he ended up being to me. Time will tell. But the heartache of hopes being raised and dreams seeming to come true, to only fall to the ground with a loud thump, has been almost more than I can bear. I don't believe in exes, I never have and frankly, I never will. Sadly for me, I have one. I pray he is the last and only ex I ever have.

I still have the craving to spend as much time with the Master that I can. I want to know, especially now, what is next? What do I do with my heart that's full of experience and pain and grief, as well the desire to love and be loved, and not just by a man, but by a God who calls me to Himself? And more importantly, or more urgently, what does God want to do with me, in all my human frailties?

I thought I knew 3 months ago what God wanted me to do with my heart. And I jumped. I'm still not sure, I didn't hear Him saying, "Walk this way!" I think God leads people in and out of the desert and to wonderful places that turn out to be awful because we learn to lean on Him. When we say, "I thought I heard You right!!" He is saying, "You DID!! But don't stop here, keep following...."

"For men are not cast off by the LORD forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men......Who can speak and have it happen, if the LORD has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?"

Lamentations 3:31-33 & 37-38

I've been being filled with a revelation in my heart in the past couple of days, and today, through studying God's Word, I know it's bubbling over: My life right now asks the question, "What now?" And God is compelling me to ask, "What do you, O Lord, have for me? What can you do with me? What is the beauty that is supposed to come from these ashes?"

I have been sifting the ashes for the past couple of months trying to find some sense in it all. I have caught a few treasures, a few things salvageable out of all this mess. But I want more. And I don't want to look at the ashes anymore. They're dusty, they're gray and black and just really ugly to look at. I need to move away, and yet I know it's a part of my make up, these ashes will define who Priscilla will become someday. I can't walk away from a holy destruction. But I can look to the One who commands such a price.

I have heard and felt an answer this morning within my heart as I have asked my question, "What now, Lord?"

Wait. Listen. Wait for the Word of the LORD.

The Word of God is what I have been waiting for since my grandpa died, I read about Pentecost, and while I know literally it's already happened, I am waiting for my own personal encounter, my own personal Word from God. My heart craves to know what He wants to speak over me. And I know, this kind of waiting is worth every second of silence I experience. Silence trains me to hear Him when He does finally speak.

As for my ex boyfriend, in writing this post, I have come to the conclusion that maybe this experience has been my holy destruction to the LORD. I have to admit, I didn't sacrifice it willingly. But I think I can offer the ashes of it all and let God create beauty all around and in the whole thing. And trust Him to handle everything I need Him to. Because, mark my words, He will.

And my grandpa, God rest his precious soul, he has entered into his Master's rest and for the first time in his whole life, he is happy. And his happiness is perfect. And that makes me very happy.

What about you? What do you want God to speak over you?

"God is not silent. It is the very nature of God to speak. The second person in the Trinity is called "The Word.""

- Tozer

"The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; ir judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Hebrews 4:12

"And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light."

Genesis 1:3

"He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still! Then the wind died down and it was completely calm."

Mark 4:39

"When He had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, Come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen."

John 11:43-44

When He speaks, stand back and watch Him move. Watch creation come to life, wind and waves come to a complete stand-still, and dead men come walking out of graves. Oh, my dear friends, we may have no idea what it's like for God to really speak over us!! If you have had that privilege, I am filled with Holy Jealousy because I want what you have!! I am so excited to experience Him speak over me. It's personal for each of us, but it's no less powerful in each of us.

What if, by some stretch of the imagination, we believed to the core every promise God speaks thru His written Word? I've been challenged with this one for years. My analytical mind takes it all apart and I end up in a pit of doubt rather than the steady ground God promises to place me on. I am going to practice believing what God wrote me.....after all, I believed certain text messages with no difficulties. And again, while true for the moment, they turned out to be lies. God's Word is true from the beginning of time until the beyond the end of time. He does not lie. Hear me say it again : GOD DOES NOT LIE. Got it?

And I think I'm going to start with the Holy Destruction. Stay with me here. Whenever God brought His people to a new land, He commanded they give Him the first of everything. And by "give Him the first of everything", it's not like how many of us do charity drives today: whatever we don't want, we give to the poor. It means the first, the best, and yes, even whatever doesn't please Him, like if it's an idol, He wants Holy Destruction. The best comes after that because the next battles come with plunder we get to pick up and hold and keep for our very own, and eventually the land already ours by the promise of God. So, see? Believing Him comes with great reward.

I was about to started editing this post when I read it to my mom. She reminded me of something and I am so excited to leave this treasure with you, I can hardly stand it!!

We went to Seattle last year and in a gift shop, we found the most beautiful gems. They were formed from the ASH of Mt. St. Helens!!!

You probably can't see it from the picture, but my earrings are the lightest, but most beautiful of pinks. My mom's earrings are bright blue. THIS is what God takes out of ashes, and these aren't even our ashes!!! But yet He presented them to us while we were sight seeing in Seattle. IMAGINE what He will do with OUR very own ashes!! I have no doubt but that God will color my world, my gems the most beautiful pink I've yet to see, and my mom's will be the most beautiful of blue she has yet to see. And yours....yours will be the most beautiful as well, and for you, my dear friends, I can't wait to see and hear of your plunder from your own ash heap.

May God bless us all by His word.

"Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about."Acts 1:4 (emphasis mine)

Find more artists like Amy Grant at Myspace Music(I couldn't find the a video from youtube, so this will have to do)

*The picture above is taken from a post I wrote awhile back called "Gems in the Desert"