~When Christian Women Start Swearin'.....Duck!~

The other day, I went into Lowes with my mom to shop for a new washing machine. We decided to go together since my dad....well, lets just say he likes to linger in any kind of hardware store. My mom and I don't.

We walked up to the appliance department and were immediately and warmly welcomed by a sales woman. She shared her friendly greeting and then turned to me, and said,

"And what is your name?"

I smiled tentatively and hoped I wouldn't hurt her feelings as I said, "Do I have to tell you my name if I'm not buying anything?"

I heard my mom snicker, as my hopes of not hurting feelings were quickly dashed. I wish you could have been there to see the look on this sales lady's face!! She was beyond puzzled. She cocked her head one way and then the other way, trying to figure me out. Then she concluded that I must not be from here, I must be foreign, because she said,

"It's custom, its what we do....I introduce myself in a friendly manner to you, and then you respond.....where are you from?"

"Here," my mom and I said almost in unison.

My mom was trying to hold back laughter, as well as annoyance two washing machine rows away. I moved away from the lady....and she followed me down a whole row, trying to get my name, chattering all the way about how "we do things here". I'm still not sure if she meant here in America, here in Colorado, or here at Lowes. Then she decided to give me one last chance, as for the THIRD time she said,

"Hi, my name is.....I'm here to help you...." and she stuck out her hand, so I shook it and said with a genuine smile,

"Hi..."(enter her name) "It's nice to meet you." She held onto my hand and wouldn't let go as her expression was urging me to continue. I shook it again and said, "And I'm not going to tell you my name." (I had to pry my hand away)

When I told my friend that story, she said, "Why wouldn't you tell her your name?" My reply? Because I didn't have to.

And all that happened after a very long day of dealing with people, some nasty, some not. All I could say as we walked out, without buying anything I might add, was, "Oh my gosh!! Could you believe that??"

That morning, I woke up asking the Lord for happiness. I am tired of only feeling unhappy and sad. I know God is happy, so I wanted some of His. It's been no secret these past few months, I've had every reason to be unhappy. I've been fighting the emotion forever it seems. Tonight, I watched a movie that had two military funerals in it, (Flag of My Father was the movie, if you're interested, it was one of the best I've seen in a long time, especially in the "Christian" genre, and I don't usually like those) and I could hardly breathe as I watched the folding of the flag and heard and saw "TAPS" being played. I remember,in November, standing there as my father was presented the flag of my grandfather, knowing how special this moment was, and how it signified the loss of a great veteran of World War II. The emotion at my grandpa's burial site was very fresh again tonight.

So, let me tell you, grief seems to want to stay my friend for awhile. And that's ok. Grief can be my friend, as long as I can embrace the happy, too. I helped take care of that war veteran, and there is something very happy about that. Another veteran in my family died this past Spring, and his picture is above my moniter, and I just looked up and realized that yes, I have every reason to be sad. There are gigantic holes in our family that words can't express how much they are missed, despite their cantankarous ways.

On the day I asked God for happiness, He gave it to me. In full. What a blessing it was. What a treasure. Especially as in the same day, I experienced every other emotion. Anger raged inside of me as I saw and experienced a manager at a CHRISTIAN store abusing 2 store clerks, and 4 or 5 customers. Profanity built in me and exploded as soon as my feet hit the pavement after walking out. I let it loose in the car as my mom and I drove away and we both vented. Then a different kind of grief, the kind that that spills over when you realize what humanity is capable of doing, the kind that no amount of churchy cliches or neatly poised Christianity can touch, and that's when God breaks that box and cries....thru you. That's the other emotion I felt. Add to that my experience at Lowes, and that was my day. But surrounding every situation, every amount of emotion, I was happy all day long. Inexplicably happy.

And since then, I've fought to hold onto that happy. I know it's God, so I have stayed with Him. But the enemy knows the Lord set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2b) and that if he could distract me, he could lure me beyond grief, beyond sadness. I have been struggling with my feelings for the past few days, since that one good, and happy and miserable day.

Tonight, God brought to mind another story. A fictious one, but a powerful one where He taught me the basics of modern warfare. I watch "Burn Notice" on DVD. I absolutely love the show. In one of the episodes, Fiona and a rich woman get kidnapped. Fi, of course keeps her cool the whole time, even though to get the bad guys where she wants them, she acts like the snobby rich wife she looks like in the epidode. Her cover name is Charlotte. She is in a black evening gown with hair, makeup and jewelry to match the look. She is stunning. She gets the guy with the gun on her side, and he thinks they're becoming friends. She finally makes her move and she gets the drop on him. He looks at her and says, "Charlotte??" This is the part God gave me: She looks at him with vengeance and I think she hits him in some way and says, with passion, "My NAME is NOT Charlotte, BITCH!!"

In the past few days, I have felt defeated as the enemy of my God threw every trick of the book at me. Taunting me to go back to the pit. Tonight, I cried out to the Lord, and I asked Him, "What do I have to do to be free of this hold? I don't want to be sad anymore, what will it take for me to be free?" Anger boiled up inside me as the Lord heard me and answered: TAKE BACK YOUR GROUND.

My NAME is NOT defeated, BITCH!!!

Lady at Lowes, I may not tell you my name, but I will tell you what it is not.

A lady introduced herself to my mom recently as "The bitch". She said it with such pain and anguish, my mom reached out to her and said, "No you're not, why would you say that?" She replied with such beautiful honesty, "Well, I have felt like someone's personal bitch these past few months." My mom, with such grace, said, "Well, you are worth a whole lot more than that, you have such great value!!" The lady got tears in her eyes and she latched onto my mom, desperate for hope.

If you, like me, like this lady feel like you've been dragged around with no say in your life, whether mentally and emotionally, or quite literally, let me tell you in plain language: You are no one's bitch. You are a child of the King of kings. You are adored, you, my dear, have immeasureable value on your head. Look up to Him, and let Him fill you with that hope. And just see how tall you start walking. How proud, how dignified. Like royalty.

If you don't feel it yet, get mad. Start yelling out to God, ask Him to show you how to be free of your hold. He comes in an instant and He shows you the way out. Cry out!! And then follow Him. Even if it feels strange, even if it goes against your religion. If you are following Him, He will lead you everywhere He wants you to go with Him. I have to say, as strange as it sounds, as unChristian as it sounds, I never felt freer than when I was venting about the abuse and injustice I saw at the Christian bookstore. Let me tell you something, when you are speaking out against the things God is against, I'm pretty sure He doesn't care how it comes out. He might care how it comes out in the presence of others, so you'll be happy to know, I only said bad words in the car. But I made my point in the bookstore, without losing my dignity or integrity as a lady. And the point was well received.

If God wants you to grieve over the things that grieve Him, you can't help but feel it deeply. That day I asked Him for happiness, I got so much more; I got passion. Everything I felt that day I felt to the core of me.

Never, does God want His children feeling defeated. And whatever it takes, run out of that pit of defeat and start hollering for God to rescue you. He will. And He will give you the passion, the anger even, to get on the offensive and start battling the enemy.

My NAME is Chosen, and it is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.

"Who shall separate us from the Love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?......No, in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us."

Romans 8:35&37

"He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. HE WHO OVERCOMES will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son."

Revelation 21:6-7

The Lord enabled us to walk with our heads held high (Leviticus 26:13b). Let's do Him proud and walk as He intended us to. Let's overcome, and let's walk as far away from our pits that make us feel like maybe we are named "Defeated" and "Lost". We don't have to share our name, but neither do we have to walk away nameless.....we have a name, and it's in the Words God gave me when together He and I started this blog:

"The nations will see your righteousness and all kings your glory; YOU WILL BE CALLED BY A NEW NAME that the mouth of the LORD will bestow."

Isaiah 62:2

~Enlarged Borders~

Our pond has been a source of grief for us ever since we moved here. Shortly after we settled here, we were slapped with a lawsuit for illegally using our water....something we were completely innocent to. Unbeknownst to us, the pond had been dug illegally before we bought the place, and we thought we could use our own pond. Wrong!! We were taken to court where we were stripped of our water rights.

I was about 12 when all that happened, and that was my first disappointment with God. We all prayed, we were in the right, we had all the evidence to prove it, but at the last minute, the judge ruled against us. I didn't understand it at all. I thought God was on our side. I will never understand how or why we lost. It wasn't our fault the pond had been dug, we were completely innocent. And we were the ones treated like the criminals. Sigh.

Not much has changed, just recently, my dad was taken to court over something that was not his fault, and he lost. Once again, our family was treated like we're the criminals, while the ones who left us standing with the bill, skip out on it all.

I don't get it. At all. Neither does my mom. She told the judge at this last court hearing, "It just doesn't seem to pay to do the right thing." He stuttered and stammered, "Well, Ma'am, that's not true...." Yeah right. Proving it in this society is impossible.

Well, as my brother said, regarding the Casey Anthony case, "They may have gotten away with it here, but there is Another who will judge them right someday, and they won't get away with it then." Sometimes my brother just has the right amount of wisdom to drop a jaw. (I'm formulating another post about more of his wisdom and insight, so be looking for it....) And he's right. People will eventually pay for the things they have done to innocent people. Thank You, Jesus!! While it may not matter to anyone else, injustice matters to Jesus.

I have had a hard time defining forgiveness lately....alot of wrong has been done to my family in this year alone to make me think God is teaching me about what forgiveness really is. What has happened to us is not ok, it will never be ok. I realized I was holding on to my issues because I was the only one it mattered to. Once God showed me that it mattered to Him, I have been able to let go. It more than matters to Him, when something matters to Him, HE DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! With fire, with vengeance, with power, with a rush of wings at our side. HE IS HERE and my family's pain MATTERS TO A HOLY GOD!!!!!

If Scripture isn't enough to prove it, or if they're just words that seem meaningless, don't lose heart. God always backs up His Word.

The storms this summer have been AWEsome.

I have gone outside many a night and stomped my way back and forth thru the wind and rain and wrestled with God, and with my own heart.

I have submitted to Him as I've seen a tornado almost touch the ground. I know God answered Job in a storm, I figured He could answer me.

I'm not sure He answered the way I wanted or not.....He probably was waiting for me to shut up!! Nah, I really don't think that. I think He wants me quiet before Him, but I think He probably enjoys watching me get animated over life. I'm quiet in a wrong way far too often.

I have sat and watched the most beautiful of lightening storms I have ever seen(sorry, no pictures), and brought all my questions before Him. Still no answer. My mom said one morning, "Do you realize what we saw is what they saw at the Mountain of God when He led them out of Egypt into the desert?" Ok, so maybe He did answer: I AM GOD. LOOK AT ME, AND KNOW I AM GOD. The Scriptures about how bright God is, His face, His hair, His eyes, His legs....did come to mind as I watched the sky light up.

With every storm that has passed by, we have gotten so much water running thru our place. All the creeks seemed to flow. Right into our pond, btw. Yeah, remember how I started this post out, about the pond? Let's go back to the pond together for a little bit, ok?

Our pond became a dirty little water hole for awhile. Pretty, and nice to be around, but still, not that great. A neighbor came and dug it out....for free....a couple years ago. And with every storm, there is more and more destruction. My dad is forever worried about it over flowing and breaking a dam he has up. I, however, love it. So does my mom. Because with all the rain and all the creeks running, the pond has reshaped itself. Or should I say, God is reshaping our pond. With destruction. With power. With force. And with bright light (no, lightening hasn't struck it yet, but it has been very present). And today we have a mini-lake. A beautiful body of water that comes up almost to the surface of the ground. Our borders have been redefined, and while enduring alot of hardship, they are bigger and better than before. No judge, no lawyer, no illegal activity can override what God has done with our pond. It is becoming a symbol of hope, of healing, and of miraculous power for me. And this Scripture comes to mind:

"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance."

Psalm 16:5-6

(It used to be a third of it's current size)

Destruction seems to be God's tool to make the world a more beautiful place. Nothing gets in His way when He acts. I'm looking forward to seeing what the aftermath of all the destruction of this year is. Storms scare me, and yet I love them. I'm terrified of being hit by lightening, or being whisked away in a tornado....when the wind started last night, I imagined being sucked into a tornado, I got as far as being in the middle of a field barefoot, wearing shorts and a t-shirt- because that's what I was wearing at the time, and my coke-bottle thick glasses because I accidentally dropped a contact down the drain more than a week ago (another blog post in the making...), and in my head, I was wandering around stepping on stickers and that's when I came back to the reality of sitting on my porch, dry, and safe. It wasn't a pleasant picture at all, Haha!!

Destruction removes all obstacles and puts valleys in flat lands. It makes a way for something bigger. And almost always, the aftermath of destruction is beauty. Whether it's a pond, the Grand Canyon, a forest after a fire, or my heart....beauty is eminent. It's shocking how beautiful aftermath is. It's a perfectly shaped pond where there used to be a big hole in the ground. It's a tourist attraction as people flock to the Grand Canyon to take in such devastating beauty. It's the hint of green, a little flower in ashes where there used to be a forest. I can't tell you what the beauty is in my heart....maybe it's the humor I have as I write this post with tears covering my eyes, maybe it's growth I feel, the strength I am finding I have. I don't know what it is, but I know God will continue to cause destruction until beauty is all there is. (Dude, am I beautiful enough yet?!? Haha!!)

I hope that as you read this post, you will be encouraged by the lesson from my pond, and that as God destroys you (I know, I sound so hopeful, so optimisitc, right?), that you will be able to look past your destruction and see the beauty you are becoming. And if you aren't facing any kind of destruction, and you don't know what I'm talking about, be warned by someone who thought much like you.....your God is coming for you, and He will let nothing, and I mean NOTHING, get in His way where you are concerned. You can't run, and you can't hide. He wants you more than anything in the world.

He wants you to be devastatingly beautiful. Just like Him.

"Your eyes will see the King in all His beauty and view a land that stretches afar.....There the LORD will be our Mighty One. It will be like a place of broad rivers and streams. No galley with oars will ride them, no mighty ship will sail them. For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our King; It is He who will save us."

Isaiah 33:17 & 21-22

Last Names Don't Matter

Nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks this afternoon as my mom mentioned a name I hadn't thought of in awhile: Cavell. I, being the social network butterfly that I am went looking for this person, this name on Facebook. No such luck. She said, almost warningly, "He might not be alive anymore, he was pretty sick when Grandma died 7 years ago." So, I went to Google instead and I about melted into a tiny little puddle, because sure as shootin' the very top site was Cavell's obituary. He died in February of last year.

Grief.

Nostalgia.....

I didn't grow up like most kids, all crammed into a brick building and having to eat school cafeteria food and all that stuff. Public school is about as foreign to me as what I am about to share would be foreign for my peers. I grew up in the back of a car as we hurried from one emergency to another with my grandparents. I grew up in hospital waiting rooms, and my lunches were very often hospital cafeteria food.....so I can totally relate to my public school friends when it comes to gross food. And speaking of food.....I also grew up at....(drum roll, please)....

The Gemini.

For those of you reading this who are family, or anyone else familiar with this restaurant, you know what it was like. The food started out awesome. Then management slipped and the food got really bad. My grandparents LOVED it!!! When I think of my childhood, and where I grew up, The Gemini stands out as almost my place of residence. It should, I was only there 3 or 4 times a week, sometimes even twice a day.....ugh!! (That is probably why today, I am more of a fast food restaurant person!!)

I knew every person working there, including the owner and his family, I knew the ins and outs of the business, ALL the drama- gather a few humans together and sooner or later, there is going to be drama!! I also knew all the regulars.....the list goes on. But for right now, I want to focus on one person.

Cavell. Now I do know his last name, but for the privacy of his family and friends, I'll keep it to myself. Cavell grew my world considerably as a 7, 8, 9 year old child. And he should have, the man was 6 foot 6, and huge. And black. I hadn't had many personal encounters with black people before him. No reason in particular, I just hadn't. He was also the first gay person I ever met, and he was a waiter at The Gemini all the years I was growing up there.

I remember being told what "gay" means, and watching to see what it meant. I didn't see anything, but why would I? I was a little kid. But I also remember my grandma taking it upon herself to love the man. And how he responded. He came around our table, whether he was waiting on us or not, and soaked up the love. My grandma was so contagious in her love, that my mom and I followed suit. Talk about a legacy!!

Over the weeks and months, possibly even a year, Cavell began changing. The man who was, in all his gay pride glory, the epitome of homosexuality, was becoming softer, and listening more. And then one day, on New Year's Eve, he called my grandma and said to her, "I just wanted to let you know where I'm spending New Year's Eve. I'm going to church. I gave my life to Christ. I thought you should know." She did. And then we watched in the next couple of weeks and sure enough, he was a changed man.

Cavell started preaching Jesus. He lost his "gayness", although his ways were so long embedded, one of my cousins told me once he knew who all the gay people were in the building and how "that big guy behind the counter" was one of them. I said, "No, he's not." He was sure he was, and I finally blew up, "No, he IS a Christian, he gave his life to the LORD last year on New Year's Eve!" If you only just glanced at Cavell, you'd be able to see traces of his old pattern still worn in his flesh. But if you watched him and knew him like I knew him, you saw a changed person who loved Jesus. He would tell his co-workers to pray about their problems, and he would pray for them.

As I write this, I remember hugging him every time I saw him, I remember his laugh....His loud belly-laugh made you laugh, too. His whole body would laugh. He was fun. He and my grandma had a special relationship, she called herself his "White Mother" And then she joined alliances with his mom, and my gosh, every person in that place that had a need got it prayed for by those two!!

When I read that Cavell had died a year and a half ago, grief hit for the man who had been thru so much, and then joy because he is where he was created to be: in the Presence of his Maker. Cavell knew something many people don't, not even fellow church-going believers. He knew the redemption of his Savior. And while he bore in his body the scars of his past, he bore in his heart and mind the cross of Jesus Christ and he lived it well. Even though I hadn't see him the last few years of his life, I am confident he met his Deliverer and nothing else mattered but him and Jesus.

After finding Cavell's notice of death online, I spent the next hour looking for other people I knew, but back then, last names weren't important. So, I only had a few names to look up. I wonder where all those people are now. They all helped form my childhood. Most of them were convicts, some of them were lonely people who needed money to pay the rent, and all of them loved my family. My grandma set the bar really high when she decided to love them all with the love of Jesus. And to say they responded is an understatement.....

Even though I haven't seen him in 6 years, it was shocking to my system to see Cavell had died. Thinking about him brought him to life, the obituary online made his death real. If there is one thing I wish you could take from this is, HOLD ON to the relationships, the people you have around you. You may lose them one day, either by circumstances, or by death. I just reconnected with someone I haven't talked to in years, and even though it's just simple catching up, it's healing. Keep up with people, and for the love of God, love them!!! I seem to be in a season of losing people whether by death, or by circumstance and I didn't choose any of it. I've just reacted. I love people, all people. And I hold on until I can't any longer. That's just how I am. So, I don't understand this season, but I know God will accomplish all He desires as He walks me through it.

As for my past, well, it's my past, and I wouldn't trade my childhood for all the tea in China, all the proms in high school, or all the....well, you know what I mean. It's mine, and all the people who adorn the halls of my heart....well, dead or alive, they are loved and I thank God for shaping me thru all experiences I have had, and I look forward to what's ahead.

RIP Cavell

You were loved, you are precious, and you showed me the meaning of Redemption. You wore the title well, my friend. Give my grandparents a hug for me, I'm sure my grandma is demanding you to fill her cup one more time!! Until we meet again, dear friend....

Waiting for His Word

8 months ago today, almost to the minute as I write this, my grandpa died in my living room.

I'd known for months that what I wanted to do when I was done taking care of my grandpa because I craved it all the time: TIME in God's Word, hearing, breathing and exhaling His Word. And when I'm home and have time to study, I do just that. It's healing, it's reviving, it's wonderful.

3 months ago today, and to the very minute, I thought my other dream was coming true. I thought I'd met a prince who had swept me off my feet. While for a brief moment, it was the truth, it ended up being a lie. And today he's someone else's prince. I hope he's better to her than he ended up being to me. Time will tell. But the heartache of hopes being raised and dreams seeming to come true, to only fall to the ground with a loud thump, has been almost more than I can bear. I don't believe in exes, I never have and frankly, I never will. Sadly for me, I have one. I pray he is the last and only ex I ever have.

I still have the craving to spend as much time with the Master that I can. I want to know, especially now, what is next? What do I do with my heart that's full of experience and pain and grief, as well the desire to love and be loved, and not just by a man, but by a God who calls me to Himself? And more importantly, or more urgently, what does God want to do with me, in all my human frailties?

I thought I knew 3 months ago what God wanted me to do with my heart. And I jumped. I'm still not sure, I didn't hear Him saying, "Walk this way!" I think God leads people in and out of the desert and to wonderful places that turn out to be awful because we learn to lean on Him. When we say, "I thought I heard You right!!" He is saying, "You DID!! But don't stop here, keep following...."

"For men are not cast off by the LORD forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men......Who can speak and have it happen, if the LORD has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?"

Lamentations 3:31-33 & 37-38

I've been being filled with a revelation in my heart in the past couple of days, and today, through studying God's Word, I know it's bubbling over: My life right now asks the question, "What now?" And God is compelling me to ask, "What do you, O Lord, have for me? What can you do with me? What is the beauty that is supposed to come from these ashes?"

I have been sifting the ashes for the past couple of months trying to find some sense in it all. I have caught a few treasures, a few things salvageable out of all this mess. But I want more. And I don't want to look at the ashes anymore. They're dusty, they're gray and black and just really ugly to look at. I need to move away, and yet I know it's a part of my make up, these ashes will define who Priscilla will become someday. I can't walk away from a holy destruction. But I can look to the One who commands such a price.

I have heard and felt an answer this morning within my heart as I have asked my question, "What now, Lord?"

Wait. Listen. Wait for the Word of the LORD.

The Word of God is what I have been waiting for since my grandpa died, I read about Pentecost, and while I know literally it's already happened, I am waiting for my own personal encounter, my own personal Word from God. My heart craves to know what He wants to speak over me. And I know, this kind of waiting is worth every second of silence I experience. Silence trains me to hear Him when He does finally speak.

As for my ex boyfriend, in writing this post, I have come to the conclusion that maybe this experience has been my holy destruction to the LORD. I have to admit, I didn't sacrifice it willingly. But I think I can offer the ashes of it all and let God create beauty all around and in the whole thing. And trust Him to handle everything I need Him to. Because, mark my words, He will.

And my grandpa, God rest his precious soul, he has entered into his Master's rest and for the first time in his whole life, he is happy. And his happiness is perfect. And that makes me very happy.

What about you? What do you want God to speak over you?

"God is not silent. It is the very nature of God to speak. The second person in the Trinity is called "The Word.""

- Tozer

"The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; ir judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Hebrews 4:12

"And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light."

Genesis 1:3

"He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still! Then the wind died down and it was completely calm."

Mark 4:39

"When He had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, Come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen."

John 11:43-44

When He speaks, stand back and watch Him move. Watch creation come to life, wind and waves come to a complete stand-still, and dead men come walking out of graves. Oh, my dear friends, we may have no idea what it's like for God to really speak over us!! If you have had that privilege, I am filled with Holy Jealousy because I want what you have!! I am so excited to experience Him speak over me. It's personal for each of us, but it's no less powerful in each of us.

What if, by some stretch of the imagination, we believed to the core every promise God speaks thru His written Word? I've been challenged with this one for years. My analytical mind takes it all apart and I end up in a pit of doubt rather than the steady ground God promises to place me on. I am going to practice believing what God wrote me.....after all, I believed certain text messages with no difficulties. And again, while true for the moment, they turned out to be lies. God's Word is true from the beginning of time until the beyond the end of time. He does not lie. Hear me say it again : GOD DOES NOT LIE. Got it?

And I think I'm going to start with the Holy Destruction. Stay with me here. Whenever God brought His people to a new land, He commanded they give Him the first of everything. And by "give Him the first of everything", it's not like how many of us do charity drives today: whatever we don't want, we give to the poor. It means the first, the best, and yes, even whatever doesn't please Him, like if it's an idol, He wants Holy Destruction. The best comes after that because the next battles come with plunder we get to pick up and hold and keep for our very own, and eventually the land already ours by the promise of God. So, see? Believing Him comes with great reward.

I was about to started editing this post when I read it to my mom. She reminded me of something and I am so excited to leave this treasure with you, I can hardly stand it!!

We went to Seattle last year and in a gift shop, we found the most beautiful gems. They were formed from the ASH of Mt. St. Helens!!!

You probably can't see it from the picture, but my earrings are the lightest, but most beautiful of pinks. My mom's earrings are bright blue. THIS is what God takes out of ashes, and these aren't even our ashes!!! But yet He presented them to us while we were sight seeing in Seattle. IMAGINE what He will do with OUR very own ashes!! I have no doubt but that God will color my world, my gems the most beautiful pink I've yet to see, and my mom's will be the most beautiful of blue she has yet to see. And yours....yours will be the most beautiful as well, and for you, my dear friends, I can't wait to see and hear of your plunder from your own ash heap.

May God bless us all by His word.

"Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about."Acts 1:4 (emphasis mine)

Find more artists like Amy Grant at Myspace Music(I couldn't find the a video from youtube, so this will have to do)

*The picture above is taken from a post I wrote awhile back called "Gems in the Desert"

~Be Still~

Today, I feel as if we could all use some encouragement, some little glimpse of hope. I have been in need of this for a little while. I have decided to turn to the one Person I know provides hope, and more than encouragement, He fills the soul. So, instead of just me writing a bunch of stuff about me and my journey, I thought we'd join His today. Let's listen to Him as He speaks truth over us. Are you with me?

I chose you and have not rejected you.
Isaiah 41:9

I have called you by your name; you are mine.
Isaiah 43:1

Since you were precious in my eyes, you are honored, and I love you.

Isaiah 43:4

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being praise His holy Name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits-

Who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit

and who crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

She is clothed with strength and dignity.

Proverbs 31:25Remember Susan, from Narnia? If anyone from those stories/movies is a picture of being clothed with strength and dignity, it's her. She was afraid of everything, until Aslan empowered her and showed her her value and when she believed what she was capable of, she who once was timid became a mighty warrior.

Last night, I was watching "The Chronicles of Narnia: the Voyage of the Dawn Treader", the 3rd movie, and it's like parts of it were written for me, but especially this part:

"You doubt your value; don't run from who you are."I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

Isaiah 41:9 (Yes, I know I already wrote this one out, but it bears repeating after that great scene with Aslan, don't you think?)

You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71:21

A friend posted a quote from John Piper on Facebook today and it ministered to me so much, I wrote it down and want to share it with you now:

"God is plotting for your joy."

I LOVE that!! My last thing I want to leave you with, and it's something I've been pondering ever since last night, is:

Think like Edmund.If anyone knew what it was like to give into the temptations of evil, it was Edmund. But once he got it, he never backed down and he was the quickest to dispel evil because he recognized it. I have been working through some lies I have believed all my life and Edmund to me is a picture of how we fight lies. Once we taste truth and the freedom therein, we cannot back down. We must stand up and not let the enemy of our God, who prowls around like a lion, we must not let him win any strongholds in us. We must recognize him and live like the royalty we are and proclaim victory for ourselves. It's ours. So let's take it.

I don't know what your struggle is today, but I know what mine is. And I know that the only way to win the fight for our lives is to follow Jesus. Do what He does. Fight the way He fights. Live the way He lives. And rebuke His enemy the way He rebukes His enemy. Wield the Sword (His Word) the way He does.

I have put my words in your mouth and and covered you with the shadow of my hand.

Isaiah51:16

"No weapon forged against you will prevail and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me." declares the LORD.

Isaiah54:17

Did you catch that? That's our heritage!!! No matter what our history is, no matter the mistakes we've made, we have a new heritage. Narnia is just a picture. You and I have our own Kingdom and our God lives there. Until He takes us to be with Him forever, He lives in us. Even Aslan wasn't that close!

Are you tired? Worn out ? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- Watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

Matthew 11:28-30

Be Still. Don't worry, you'll get everything done in life you need to. But, in your soul, in your mind, in your heart, be still. Everything falls into place.....don't trust me, I'm still working on believing that!! But trust Him. He says so, and what He says, we can trust.

Jesus replied, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

Matthew 22:37

"Both Sides Now"- Cilla's Sun Version

The sunset last night was fabulous. As I watched it, I realized something; it keeps moving. I know that's not a novel thought. Rather how it's supposed to be, right? But something cool happened as I was pondering the sun moving. If it didn't move, it'd be the worst natural disaster ever. Chaos would ensue. Everything in the world be off the Richter scale because the sun is our source for heat, it's pretty much everything to us. I watched it move and become more and more beautiful and with my camera on my phone, I stopped the action.
But it never stopped. It just kept going down. And as it went down, it got more beautiful, more radiant. And that's when it hit me.....I want it to stop so I can just take in it's beauty and just let it beautiful there for just a moment......

If you know me at all, you know I hate the thick clouds that cover the sky and make my head miserable. But as I watched the sunset last night, I realized that no matter what the sky looks like to me, the sun is still moving. Sometimes I want it to race ahead of the clouds so that I can see it again, and sometimes I want it to be still so I can just watch what it does in it's magnificence. But no, it just slowly keeps marching on.....

And I realized, I sometimes do what I wanted the sun to do last night: I sometimes pause and want beautiful moments to last forever, or at least longer than than they do. Or sometimes when moments are really awful, I want to speed right through them. But it doesn't work like that. Just like the sun, life marches on, sometimes it seems slowly, sometimes it seems too fast, but in reality, it's a slow steady pace. I came across this quote a few days ago....

Right on, Jessica, and your friend Paul!! If we avoided parts of life, sped thru them, or if we paused too long on the parts of life we want to linger on, chaos would ensue, just like if the sun sped up or stopped.

I think I want to be more like the sun. Have you noticed from my pictures that as it goes down, it becomes more brilliant?

And that is what make me see that I don't really want to speed thru hard times or even stop on the beautiful parts. Because what I think is beautiful doesn't come close to what is next. I can't even dream up the beauty awaiting the next bend. All I can do is move steady with the sun.

And trust my Creator, just like the sun.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectiation for the sons of God to be revealed. "
Romans 8:18-19

"....For you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall."
Malachi 4:2




I really don't know life.....at all. But I know the Author of Life and I know I can trust Him to lead me, just like He leads the sun.

The 7th is Unlucky....

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
Psalm 68:19

Haha, I know this is a weird song for me to start with, but bear with me, ok?

Today is the 7th, and it's a hard day for me for @ least two reasons.

Reason #1: My grandpa died in my house 7 months ago today. I've been drawn to his kinda music lately, partly because I just saw "Coal Miner's Daughter" with Sissy Spacek, and I've wanted to hear some real Loretta Lynn. So today, as I was scanning his photos for the family, I indulged in a little Loretta,

a little Patsy, (if you lived in my house for the past year, you knew how OFTEN we heard this song!!)

a little of the Judds,

and I realized that I kinda like his kinda music. Grandpa would be proud.

Reason #2: I had a boyfriend 2 months ago today; now I don't; enough said.(Don't worry,I won't post a song for this reason that I'm blue.....even though one by the Judds does come to mind.)

Death, life. It's all hard sometimes. Haha, and the sun is even shining and it's still a blue day for me.

Hope. I had some yesterday, and because I had it yesterday, I have no doubt but that it will return. God always comes thru.

Summon Your power, O God; show us Your Strength, O God, as you have done before.
Psalm 68:28

I have thought so much that I want a new life. But this life is mine. And it is mostly good: I have my family, a job that looks promising, my friends,and most importantly, I have my God. I also have my pride, and my dignity. Life may have not turned out the way I wanted it.....yet. It's still not over. Yes, my grandpa is gone, and the era of being a caregiver's daughter (Loretta is still in my head, can you tell?) is over. Yes, I no longer have a boyfriend, and the dreams I had are put on hold in a whole new way, but my dreams still exist, just not with him. Today is rough, but tomorrow will be easier, and next month will be another month past all my grief. Sorrow is a part of life. It expands the heart to make room for joy. I will be one heck of a joyful person someday.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

I know this to be true. I don't know what's going on in your life if you're reading this right now. Maybe you're in a season of grief, too. I only listed 2 reasons it's my season right now, believe me I could list more. I'm sure you could, too. The Lord knows what you're going thru and I want you to know, because He wants you and me both to know: He loves you, Dear Heart. He is on your side. He wants you to turn to Him in your grief and pain. He wants to walk with you and talk with you, cry with you even. Let's let Him in, Love. He might not take the pain away quite yet, but He makes it bearable. This time in our lives might be rough, but someday when we look back, they will be the sweetest we've ever had if we let Him in and be the Savior He gave up Heaven to be.

Those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Psalm 34: 10

LORD, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O LORD. Renew them in my day, in my time make them known.

Habakkuk 2:2 (emphasis and personalization are mine)